Senseless

I am completely insane right now. I don't even know why I'm doing this thing. This is stupid. A stupid thing stupid people do. So does this mean I'm stupid too? I am not quite sure. Still, I'll keep writing though..
I just want to vent out all this stupid thoughts still lingering inside my head. I just can't stop thinking about weird stuffs. Stuffs I don't even know would even be possible to happen. It's confusing and its becoming a burden to me lately.......   I changed my mind. I don't wanna vent it out anymore. I'm kinda tired thinking about it and now I'm going to write about it?! No way in hell I'll do that! Okay I'll stop now. Weird.

Hello!

Aloha! I've been longing to write on my blog for a very long time. I suddenly forgot my password, but I was too lazy to recover it..It's just now that I had the time to do so.. Well, a lot has happened for the last 3 months. woOoh! that was very long!!! specially now that I'm always alone..haha!

Time runs slow when you have nothing to do. Sometimes I think my life is a waste. I'm wasting my time waiting for the next day to come.... well this is bad..I run out of things to say...guess I'm not in the mood..tsk! till next time then..toOo bad..

Anticipated. . .

There are a lot of things in my mind right now. But the one thing that's clogging my mind ever since, is the very fact that soon you'll leave and be long gone. I am very much affectionate when it comes to situations like this. Among all other friends I had that comes and goes, you were the only ones whom I pretty much longed to stay. I never knew why I am these close to you, though you never did seem to have any interest in the things I like the most. Neither do you guys show that I am important to you too. But I don't care. As long as I feel this way to you, it's alright. You are all my best friends. I never felt something great like this before. Also, I've never felt this miserable ever since in my entire life. Sometimes, being with you makes me look so stupid and dumb. Sometimes it makes me feel sad and sometimes and makes me feel glad. But most of the time it makes me feel happy and contented. For when I'm with you, I can be me. I experience different sorts of happiness that I thought I would't feel. I can exaggerate a lot and do the silliest and craziest things. I hope that when were together, you were all true and honest of what you were showing me, because I am.

These passing days I've been very melodramatic and anxious about myself. I simply can't stand the feeling of being left alone all of a sudden. Going to school without no one to talk with and be together with makes me a hell lot insane! My heart aches everytime I remember all of you. I remember all of us being together and having fun. When I remember those things, I sometimes burst into tears. For I don't know when that day would happen again. All of us being together. Everytime I remember, I always regret the days that I was too foolish not to focus on for my future. I regret the times I never listened to all of you. I should have planned everything too. I really am stupid.

But, now theres nothing left for me to do but to focus so that I could come by and catch up with you. I have a goal now. You all made a great inspiration for me to continue the life I thought I've wasted and to try to start up again. I'll make all of you as one of my greatest motivation to be able to stand whenever life pulls me down the ground. I wish I could make it in time for my most anticipated REUNION.

soOo glad to hear your voice..(^_^)

I miss you so much that I had no choice but to call you. I just wanna hear your voice..just your voice and I will be okay. I tried my best to control this urge but today, I really didn't care.... A day without you seems more like a day without an internet connection.. it's BORING! tell me about it.
 I can't seem to know why I feel this way, but you are the one whom I miss the most. Maybe coz we were very close in the end. I keep asking myself, why just now? When our days were counted and our time was limited? Why our friendship bloomed just now? I should have known before that we'll be this close. It would have been nice if everything happened a little earlier. But I have no regrets. Atleast, in the long run, we did had a chance...

Thank you for the time. I enjoyed talking to you. It made me forget the loneliness I felt and the misery I've been going through. I was again, happy. Now I am sure of what I truly feel about you. I  love you & I care for you a lot. Well, as a friend I guess. But for whatever reason, I don't want you to misinterpret my actions. It would be a burden if we were to feel awkward with each other. That would suck! I'm contented of whatever we have right now! That's why. . . . . . . . I always pray to God that we'll never be apart, and that  you'll forever be my one special friend.(^_^)

A Plain Old Kiss

Some people need a peck or two

For others a simple smooch will do

Too many, a graze will stimulate

A few may want to osculate.

And then, there are those who need a smack;

For flowery words they have a knack.

But all I want from you is bliss,

Which you can give me with a plain, old kiss!

March 26, 2011 - Graduation Day

Ah! Graduation day! A lot of parents are all so very proud of their children graduating and goin'  up the stage, shakin' hands with WHOEVER & claiming their diploma. There would be fireworks and a lot of people are coming to witness a 1min exposure of their one and only graduate! hahahaha!!! Setting aside my sarcasm, I think its  a very BIG celebration and a very HAPPY one. Oh I wish I was graduating today too.

Well, all I can say is that today, is the most awaited day of my True Friends and also my fellow Ateneans. This is the day I feared the most. Well, that was weeks ago. Now, I am not afraid anymore! You know why?! Coz, It made me think of my friends who are very happy today. I can see their smiles as they go up the stage. It's an achievement for them. After I thought about that, It made me happy too...  the fear of losing them and not seeing them afterwards disappeared! I am very happy for them. So.... Instead of sulking and being bitter, I went to see them go up the stage and shake hands with WHOEVER that person maybe! hahaha!!! It was fun and it felt really good. I am so proud of them! All of 'em!  I never felt bad or even neglected. My happiness was genuine, that I can say. I realized... I'll have my time too. I'll go up that stage too.

After the very long and tiring event, we finally got the chance to have a little pictorial! hahaha! funny isn't it?! then we'll upload it on Facebook! nyahaha! joking! Anyway, it was fun. Its kinda odd though...No one ever CRIED. hmmm... so they're not gonna miss each other?! Even me! I was shocked! I thought I was gonna cry if ever this day comes! but NO! I didn't! It's still a mystery that is yet to be solved for me. But all Im sure of is that we were all soOooOOooo very, very, VERY happy!!! 

hmMmm...I haven't told the happiest moment yet! It is not just a day of achievement, but it is also a day of fulfillment for me! Well, let's just say my long awaited 'dream' was finally fulfilled! Well its not exactly a 'dream', its rather a longing or something that I really really would want to get from someone I consider very close to my heart. haha!!! Well, I finally got what she promised to give me on her graduation day! nyaks! Well, a promised is a promise. And what is that?! hmMmm...its for me to know and for me to keep only! hahaha! 

The Worst...

Its been a while since I've visited my blog. Well anyway, a lot has happened for the past few weeks. Though I don't feel like blogging about it. I'm in some kind of a melancholic situation right now and all I wanna do is to just lessen the burden inside me. I think I'll just put it into writing.

 It's march... graduation month.. It would have been the best month of 2011 for me if only I'd been a good girl. But no. Instead, it's the other way around. I hate this month. I am not bitter to those who are graduating, its just that...this month had given me a lot of thinking and reflecting for the past 3 years of my college life and had me regret everything that I had just done. Well, people make mistakes we can't deny that. But for me, I am conscious about those mistakes I've made before and I even know how to make it right that time, but still, I did the wrong thing. A lot of second and even third chances were given to me, but I didn't grab that opportunity, instead I allowed myself to be swallowed by my weakness. Well I guess thats why its now called a mistake. I am really regretful right now.. not to mention suicidal. I just wish that somehow, or someway I could go back in time and rewrite my story. This time, I'll follow my instincts and do the right things. Till now I'm convincing myself that there is really those things that they call "travel back to time" thingy. Every time I thought about it, I always end up praying to GOD that somehow he could turn back time for me. I could really use one right now. Theres a lot of things that I regret. Like, I shouldn't had procrastinated.. I never should have failed that subject and mostly, I should have gone to class regularly... I really wish I made those right choice back then. I should have been writing good things about this month right now. They say theres always a bright side in every situation but in what I am in now, there really isn't such thing as a bright side. All I see are shades of gray, black & white scenario where I am left behind in some corner. I feel so miserable! Not to mention very oblivious. My depression drives me crazy. It affects my whole body. I can't seem to focus much on my subjects again. I feel awfully stupid right now. Damn!

Another dilemma I am facing right now is the sad reality that my so called "True Friends" would be leaving me. Well most of them actually are graduating. Good thing 'han' is still with me. It's kinda sad though. No, not sad. Somewhat more severe than sadness. Much worst than loneliness. I can't even explain the feeling. All I know is that it hurts. It hurts a lot to see them go. I'm not used to being left behind by friends. I'm the one who should be leaving first, not them. This is the very reason I don't wanna get too close nor too intimate with friends. The bond is just too hard to cut loose. Our bond is very strong. At least I think so. It's like I'm gonna die when they're all gone! Its like losing half of your body parts, like without one of 'em, you surely are to fail and fall down. I've never told them this before, but they are my strength and at the same time, my very weakness. How I wish this would all disappear! I' so sick and tired. I wanna give it a rest but I can't! It just hurts me more and more each day.

Someday. . .

I don't know how much longer 

That I have to put up with everything 

I've been hiding all the truth inside my heart 

Everytime we meet 

Everytime you turn your face to me 

Though I look indifferent 

Do you know how much i have to force myself? 

Can you hear my heart calling for you, loving you? 

But I can't open my heart for anyone to know 

Can you hear it? 

My heart keeps waiting there for you 

Waiting for you to open it 

and hope you will realize.. 

Someday

Though I love you 

Though I feel 

but deep down inside, I don't dare to tell you 

Everytime we meet 

Everytime you turn your face to me 

Though I look indifferent 

Do you know how much i have to force myself?

Can you hear my heart calling for you, loving you? 

But I can't open my heart for anyone to know 

Can you hear it? 

My heart keeps waiting there for you 

Waiting for you to open it 

and hope you will realize.. 

Someday

Can you hear my heart calling for you, loving you? 

But I can't open my heart for anyone to know 

Can you hear it? 

My heart keeps waiting there for you 

Waiting for you to open it 

And I hope you will realize 

That this person loves you 

Please I hope you will know 

Someday

Reunited..

I was very excited for today. I was hoping I'd see my friends after 3 long days. There I was..Daydreaming again.. As if I was the only person in the world. hahaha! Goodness me! Anyway, I was getting ready for school. Looking forward to seeing them as I enter the lab. Damn! I miss them so much! For the ?th time in my life, I felt very happy!

I was on my way when I realized, after this day I'll never see them again for a few days. I was again, sad. Then all the negative thoughts came rushing in my mind. It was terrible! All the while I was thinking about the good things that'll happen today, then there goes my twisted mind messing it all up again. But then again, I realized, it doesn't matter anymore. I don't know why I keep on staying away from them, maybe its coz  I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing  them  and them leaving me. That's why I'd rather leave them first than the other way around. It's painful to see those whom you love and care dearly go and leave you behind. hmMm well I think I'm just over exaggerating here, it's not that they mean to leave me, but...technically, they're gonna leave..oh! it's complicated...I can't continue no more.. I'll just be back later...chao!^_^

"Miz u t0o.hehe"

Blogging first thing in the morning is not really my thing. But due to unexpected circumstances, I might as well consider it! hmmm..how can I say it. My day sure is gonna end up happily even though its just starting!(^_^)

Its amazing how one simple text message can surely brighten up your day. I know, I'm a very shallow person sometimes. Just give me chocolates and I'll be thanking you everyday! Show a little love and surely I'll give a you a much bigger love! That's me. I appreciate every little things people say and do. I woke up this morning and receive a text message from a friend, the one I've been talkin' about in my last blog post. hehe! Let's give her a codename, shall we? I'm gonna call her "Ms. needs a lil' more improvement". Damn! She's improving alright! I was texting her last night but she wasn't able to reply. instead, she replied, I think, earlier today. She said in her text that she wasn't able to reply last night coz she was already asleep. Of course! that was already past 10P.M. when I messaged her! Then I said it was okay and gave an ending message like this: "imy!". Surely everyone knows what that means! haha! I wasn't expecting her to reply anything. I predicted she'll just reply "hehe.tnx" or "tnx a lot.hehe". But I was wrong. Her reply gave way to a new vocabulary in her 'text message replies dictionary' haha. She replied the sweetest text message I ever received from her. It made my day! No, I think it didn't just made my day, it also made me realize that my friend is really starting to develop something that is lacking from her all this time. haha.. No offense, I really just feel like she care less and sometimes, she doesn't really care at all. But now, she's saying those things and asking me if I was alright and stuffs like normal people say haha. A very shocking revelation indeed! Though now I can really tell her love & care is for real. And I'm glad! I'm happy and I'm glad. At least I know she's not a machine or a robot! hahaha! kidding! Very well, that's all I have to say right now. I was just very happy after I read her reply. It kept me smiling til' now!

(^__________________________^)

I lied...

There never comes a day that I don't lie. Every hour, every minute, and every second of my life, there's bound to be a time that I'll be lying. I hate it! I always do lie. Even to my closest and dearest friends I lie. Even to the one I love the most, I totally lie. A friend of mine texted me and ask how I was doing. She keep on asking why I seem to be very far and out of reach during the past fews days. I tried to divert the conversation to any other subject matter that doesn't concern any of those, but she wouldn't stop asking. So I told her, It's no big deal. I didn't mean all of those things. I wasn't avoiding them or anything. It was just accidental. I was very busy at that time. I've nothing to do at school that is why I went home early... All those reasons... A lot of reasons just to cover up the truth.
 Here, I would be honest. I really was avoiding them. Every single one of them. I can't put myself to telling the truth coz I know my friend would be very upset. I don't know. I just feel like avoiding them this week. I really can't stand being around them coz, I can't control myself. I might cry. Know the reason why? Well, let's just keep that a secret for a while. Don't have the guts to discuss it here yet!

I am pretty good at lying actually. I'm great at pretending also! It's amazing how I can fool someone with the attitude or expression I make and the actions I do to make them believe I was doing the opposite of what I really feel. Deep down inside are those deep, dark conceited thoughts of mine. I can't handle every situation where I am bound to be pressured that is why in almost all conversations or situations in life, I play safe. Meaning, I lie and make excuses all the time even before they caught me off guard. I don't know if you get it. But to those people who can understand what I mean, then you know it. No more explanations. I don't wanna get caught up in a situation wherein I am not prepared. I am not able to answer. I am not able to relate and more importantly, I am not able to reason out and defend myself. It sucks! It really sucks! So, that's the reason why I lie almost all the time.


This late afternoon, that same friend of mine again, texted me. Let's just give her a codename, "chakra". So chakra said she texted our friend and said something about saying "something important" to her even though she really has nothing to say. Then my dark side arise and gave way to my evilness, naughtiness, wickedness and all sorts of adjectives that would describe someone who is insanely Demonic! I told her to make a story. Something big and unusual. Like, that I was confined in the hospital or something. She then agreed to my plan and immediately texted our friend about that so call "Hospital Jeopardy" I got into. Then, being a True friend as my friend would be, she replied and ask about me. She ask what happened to me and stuffs like that. Then she also did text me. She was asking if I was alright and begged me to reply ASAP! I was astonished by what she texted. That was the first time she ever did gave importance to me. She was CONCERNED for the very first time!  It was so shocking! I was kinda happy but at the same time I was scared she might find out about our lies. So me and chakra decided to keep this 'little' secret to ourselves and never tell others about it, more importantly to our friend whom we had so 'betrayed'. haha!

I can't believe I lied to her! Though that lie did something good so I thought. She actually showed that she cared about me! I was happy. The guilt was gone though not totally gone it's still there but I can't seem to feel it grasping my conscience! hahaha! It was funny but I shouldn't be laughing. Even so, I still am glad we pulled that dumb and silly lil' lie of ours. I think I'll bury these guilt deep within my grave. hahaha!!! I'll try to confess to her though. It's still not right. hMmm... what the heck! I think she'll learn about this in just a few days or so, I bet she will! Well, let's just find out. Till next time!

Today's a happy day for me!(^_^)

I Miss You

I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! 

That's all I can say. 

I know why but I don't wanna say.

Wherever I go, Whatever I do..

All my thoughts always comes to you..

My brain is telling me, "do not worry"

but my heart is making me feel so weary.

Please don't be such a burden, I'm trying to move on.

Yes, I blame you, even if you don't know what's going on.

I want you all so badly, 

when it comes to you, I become so greedy.

I can't focus much,

coz my head and my heart is hurting too much!

Maybe it's not just because I miss you,

but maybe, just maybe, I'm falling in love with you!

-bagz22

"You take the shortcut, I'll take the detour. In the long run, we'll meet up again. I'm pretty sure of it!"

It's either you go first or I go first. It's the same, never different. We'll see each other again, but if we didn't, I'll find a way to make sure that we do. No matter how far I will go, rest assured that you'll always be in my heart. All our memories will be kept treasured deep inside. I'll lock it up, to make sure it'll be safe. I'll never forget, that I promise you, and I hope you won't forget too. In due time, we'll meet again. By that time, I'll open my heart again. And there you'll see, you were always there with me. Together with all our memories, kept safe in my heart. For in my mind and in my heart, I know for a fact that we never did part. I love you so & I hope that you know.

"‎You can't really portray Happiness if what you truly feel is Sadness"

-bagz22

The Same

I started my day with a big, big smile on my face..leaving all the thoughts of yesterday behind. I told myself that today I would be fine. I planned all the things to do to make a head start for the day.  But things started to change when I looked at the mirror... I saw myself.. smiling..looking dashing as ever.. but then I looked deeper. Then I saw the real me inside. Broken, disgusted with life, alone and lonely, not knowing what to do next. I paused for a minute, trying to avoid the sad reality that the mirror had then brought upon me...Then tears started to roll down my cheek. Am I crying? Then it came to me.. my day didn't really started with a smile, but with a forlorn face. A face  reflecting such agony and misery of the soul deep down inside. Everything changed. I was the same as yesterday.

Runaway

I woke up this morning, thinking about the things that might happen. Then I thought about you. I miss you. That's what my mind and my heart said to me. Then suddenly, I felt pain. Every time I think of you, may it be good or bad, I always feel pain. I don't know. I'm not sure where this pain came from. But one thing is for sure, I feel pain everytime I think about you not being with me. I think it's because of the fact that, no matter what I do, whenever life takes us, you'll never be mine.

I plan on skipping my first class. Then I realized I'll be seeing you there. But then again, that pain.. I felt that pain again. It strikes me! Knowing we'll be on the same class and I'll be able to see you. But I decided to skip class instead. I don't know. There is a part of me that wants to be with you, then there's this part of me that wants to runaway from you. I'm scared, really scared. I feel that if i'll stay long with you, I'll fall too deep. Too deep that I wouldn't be able to stand again. You make me so weak. I don't want that. I've felt that before and I don't wanna feel it again. If this keeps long, I won't be able to let go. The pain would stay longer and turn my life into misery. That is why, I want to runaway.

I'll start with this

Thank god I found something like this! Pretty cool. I never thought I'd be blogging. Very well then, might as well put my thoughts in here.. I kinda need it. I think I'm getting kinda crazy and stuffs like that.. we'll never know.. I guess I'll just write what I want to write! Good luck to me!^_^