Its been a while since I've visited my blog. Well anyway, a lot has happened for the past few weeks. Though I don't feel like blogging about it. I'm in some kind of a melancholic situation right now and all I wanna do is to just lessen the burden inside me. I think I'll just put it into writing.
It's march... graduation month.. It would have been the best month of 2011 for me if only I'd been a good girl. But no. Instead, it's the other way around. I hate this month. I am not bitter to those who are graduating, its just that...this month had given me a lot of thinking and reflecting for the past 3 years of my college life and had me regret everything that I had just done. Well, people make mistakes we can't deny that. But for me, I am conscious about those mistakes I've made before and I even know how to make it right that time, but still, I did the wrong thing. A lot of second and even third chances were given to me, but I didn't grab that opportunity, instead I allowed myself to be swallowed by my weakness. Well I guess thats why its now called a mistake. I am really regretful right now.. not to mention suicidal. I just wish that somehow, or someway I could go back in time and rewrite my story. This time, I'll follow my instincts and do the right things. Till now I'm convincing myself that there is really those things that they call "travel back to time" thingy. Every time I thought about it, I always end up praying to GOD that somehow he could turn back time for me. I could really use one right now. Theres a lot of things that I regret. Like, I shouldn't had procrastinated.. I never should have failed that subject and mostly, I should have gone to class regularly... I really wish I made those right choice back then. I should have been writing good things about this month right now. They say theres always a bright side in every situation but in what I am in now, there really isn't such thing as a bright side. All I see are shades of gray, black & white scenario where I am left behind in some corner. I feel so miserable! Not to mention very oblivious. My depression drives me crazy. It affects my whole body. I can't seem to focus much on my subjects again. I feel awfully stupid right now. Damn!
Another dilemma I am facing right now is the sad reality that my so called "True Friends" would be leaving me. Well most of them actually are graduating. Good thing 'han' is still with me. It's kinda sad though. No, not sad. Somewhat more severe than sadness. Much worst than loneliness. I can't even explain the feeling. All I know is that it hurts. It hurts a lot to see them go. I'm not used to being left behind by friends. I'm the one who should be leaving first, not them. This is the very reason I don't wanna get too close nor too intimate with friends. The bond is just too hard to cut loose. Our bond is very strong. At least I think so. It's like I'm gonna die when they're all gone! Its like losing half of your body parts, like without one of 'em, you surely are to fail and fall down. I've never told them this before, but they are my strength and at the same time, my very weakness. How I wish this would all disappear! I' so sick and tired. I wanna give it a rest but I can't! It just hurts me more and more each day.
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